She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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