Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
