he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
