I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
