A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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