At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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