I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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