I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
