I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
