How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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