I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
