I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
