Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
