Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Randomize
