Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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