I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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