i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
