I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
