You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
