Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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