Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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