It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
