new low.... made out with someone while peeing
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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