youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
