Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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