Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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