Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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