two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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