i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You dont lie about slip and slides
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
