Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize