Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
