Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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