That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
