News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
