Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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