Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
