Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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