She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
