okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
