Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
