I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
