my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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