so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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