Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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