Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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