he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
