i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
