I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
