anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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