if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
