So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Couch. On fire.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
