M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
