just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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