my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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