and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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