fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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